Will Jog For Food

I’m starving.  Famished.  Ravenous.  My calves are tight, my quads are tender and my hips are locked up or something.  I feel great?! I ran 10 miles yesterday.  Well, “ran” is probably not the right word, but I “did” – shuffled, limped, walked and sometimes ran — 10 miles, which is still a huge accomplishment for me.   I didn’t think I could do it, and I probably wasn’t ready to do it, but I did it.

I am training for a half marathon and this was an impromptu test to see if, 6-weeks out, I could even get close.   It was a follow-up to a little test last weekend when I was in an 8K race.  That is about 5 miles for normal people.  I am not sure why we run in the metric system.  And, if we do, then why do we still talk about marathons in terms of miles (26.2 or 13.1 in my case)? Runners are hard to understand.  I am still not a runner.

The 8 K was a low-key way to get a feel for what a race day is like.  I am really not interested in racing, so much as finishing, but I was warned that in the group setting, your adrenaline kicks in and you push yourself to go faster.  That’s not exactly how it worked for me.   I wasn’t running for a better time so much as running for a better self image.

Once my friends pulled out in front of me, I had to decide where I wanted to be.  I was fine finishing after my running buddy because I’ve known all along that she could go faster.  I had to keep it respectable, so I tried to keep an eye on her white cap as long as I could.  I was fine finishing behind my non-running friend because she had just spent 3 months doing that P90X thing that is crazy intense and she is in really great shape.   I never lost sight of her swingy ponytail that served as my metronome – swish, step, swish, step, swish, step.

But, I was not fine finishing behind the woman who looked like a new contestant on The Biggest Loser.  I wished her well, but I was not going to let her beat me.  I passed her and never allowed her to regain the lead.  Nor was I fine finishing behind the chick with the perfect butt that I was certain she didn’t have to work for.  She wore a silly green frog hat, which may have endeared her to some, but only served to piss me off.  She and I were immediate rivals, even if she didn’t know it.

We were both running in intervals – alternating running with short walks.  Our intervals were not synched, but similar enough so that when I was walking, she’d pass me and when she was walking, I’d pass her and her stupid hat and her perky no-panty-lines-ass.

When I was in front of her, I contemplated why she was so skinny if she can’t run any faster than me.  If I can keep up with her, why don’t I have that butt?  She can keep the hat.

When I was behind her, I noticed that she wasn’t really running, so much as jogging.  Nobody calls it that anymore, but that is what she and I were doing – we were jogging.  We might as well have been in piped shorts, striped knee socks and terry cloth sweatbands, because we were joggers.   I jogged across the finish line just ahead of her and immediately grabbed a sugar cookie from the snack table, confident I had earned that small reward.

When I went out yesterday, I had her in mind as I set out to see how far I could go in two hours.  I knew from the 8K race that I could do 5 miles in one hour, but I also knew that didn’t mean I could do 10 in two, especially without the competitive rush of a race.  I was right.  It took me two hours and 15 minutes, but I stuck with it and did 10 – chasing that frog hat with every pathetic jog step.

I felt great — physically and mentally.  I had burned nearly 1,000 calories and was immediately thinking about what I wanted to eat.  Oddly, nothing sounded good. I  didn’t want to eat.  I wasn’t hungry.  This was really strange for me.  About an hour later, I forced down a piece of peanut butter toast and realized why runners are skinny.  Maybe when you run enough, your body not only burns calories, it also gets too tired to consume more?  Brilliant!

But, I am not a runner.  At dinner that night with friends, my trying-to-be-a-jogger body was starved for energy and I indulged:  bacon appetizer, sirloin entree, 2 glasses of wine and carrot cake dessert.   As I sit here today, drained and sore and thinking about all the delicious foods I want to eat to refuel my depleted body, I’m picturing Miss Perky Butt, knowing exactly why I don’t have one.